It’s a Trap!

Every Tuesday, my daughter Sarah and son-in-law Nikko host a Bible study for young adults at my house, and we usually have dinner together before the others arrive. Last night we had two others join us, Taylor, a long-time friend who has become family, and Jatajh, a friend we’re still getting to know.

Roy and I are preparing ready to renovate our kitchen. That sentence fills me in equal measure with joyful anticipation and heart-pounding dread. No matter how much you plan and budget, something will inevitably go sideways, but in the end, I’ll have a beautiful kitchen to enjoy.

We’re not ready for demolition yet, but we have cabinets, countertops, and some of the appliances, including a fridge I was dying to install. Our current fridge was used to keep milk fresh on the ark and should have been moved to the Smithsonian years ago. Last evening, Taylor and Roy shifted the new fridge into the kitchen and let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. It meant taking the door into the garage off its hinges, hefting a massive fridge up and over a ledge, then shimmying down the hallway, a process not unlike trying to get back into a wet one-piece after you pee.

We took a dinner break from swapping out contents from one fridge to the other, and Roy stepped away to meet with clients for a counseling session. Without me asking or initiating – and no doubt in part because we had a houseful of guests on their way, Sarah – Nikko, Taylor, and Jatahj stepped up. They put the garage door back on, moved the old fridge out the front door, attached the water line, swept and mopped the disgusting mess little bit of dust hiding underneath.

Why am I telling this story? Because I want you mamas who are trying your best but feel like you’re falling short to understand something. Those four young adults were brought up very differently.

One grew up in a two-parent home with parents who love and respect each other.

One grew up with a single mom and a special needs brother.

One grew up in a military family with parents who eventually divorced.

One was in foster care and adopted.

Some of them wore cloth diapers, and some were in off-brand Huggies from day one.

Some were exclusively breast-fed, others were formula all the way.

Some were spanked, some got time-outs.

They’re the oldest, the youngest, and the kid somewhere in the middle.

Their parents co-slept or let them sleep in their own bed from the day they came home from the hospital.

Some grew up with home-cooked meals surrounded by family, others were on their own and lived on Lunchables and Easy Mac.

If you know them personally, you might know which is which. But, if you met all four for the first time, it’d take a while to figure out who is who.

What’s my point? I’m glad you asked.

Mamas, stop beating yourselves up and comparing yourself to the other moms around you. Social media would have you believe that you are “less than” if you’re not the mom wearing Lululemon and a perfect messy bun, feeding your children organic, grass-fed chicken nuggets prepared in a Pinterest worthy kitchen and served in a bento box made from sustainable bamboo harvested and handcrafted by a weeping Buddhist monk whose name we’ll never know.

Spoiler alert: that “candid” Instagram photo is more fake than pro-wrestling, celebrity diet tips, or a politician’s apology.

Sure, we all have days when we can pull off that picture without hiring a stylist, a maid, a chef, and a nanny, but most of the time, we’re all just making it up as we go along. My girls are adults now, but I remember eating whatever was left on their plates for my lunch, kicking dropped ice cubes under the fridge, mopping spills with my sock, and counting the minutes til nap time because if I had to settle one more dispute or watch one more episode of Barney I was going to lose what was left of my mind.

Comparison and unrealistic standards aren’t new. When Roy and I were engaged, I was given a copy of the book, “Life as Viewed from the Goldfish Bowl” as a gift. It’s written by a pastor’s wife, and is full of useful tips like making sure I got up before Roy every morning so I could put on make-up, do my hair, and put on a fresh slip and housedress – a housedress!! – so he never saw me at less than my best. Ask me how seriously I took its advice. Roy and I started dating when I was fresh off a case of mono, and we all know there’s nothing sexier than a woman who looks and moves like a reanimated corpse and talks like she’s two glasses on wine in on an empty stomach.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Theodore Roosevelt

Nowhere in the Bible does it suggest we look at those around us and try to measure up. Now, that’s not to say we shouldn’t have role models or mentors – I am very grateful for the men and women who have encouraged me and helped me keep my head above water when I was sure I was drowning.

But, we aren’t defined by how we measure up to our peers and our value isn’t found in our ability to craft throw pillows out of old t-shirts or decorate an entire house with nothing more than shiplap, mason jars, and succulents.

Comparison is a trap. It tricks you into believing that you are not enough. It whispers lies that make you insecure and uncertain. It puts roadblocks between you and potential friendships, and isolates you. It makes you feel guilty and ashamed.

Comparison leads you to believe you’ll never be as good as ‘she’ is or do what ‘she’ does. And in this one area, comparison is right. You’ll never measure up to the ideal mom. You’ll always fall short. The End. Thanks for coming to my TEDTalk.

Ha! Kidding! I crack myself up.

Here’s the good news.

You don’t have to measure up, and better yet, you were never meant to. God doesn’t need two people just alike. Jesus take the wheel – just think if there were two of me. There’s a reason I’m not a twin. Yikes.

Instead, God has uniquely and carefully created you with specific gifts and talents to do exactly what He’s called you to do.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

 Psalm 139:13-14

Remember, guilt never comes from God. Conviction comes from the Holy Spirit dealing with our sin, but guilt is nothing more than the devil whispering lies, distracting you, defeating you, and keeping you from becoming who God created you to be.

Think of it this way – Comparing yourself to others is like handing the devil the stick to beat you with.

Guilt can also make you feel like a martyr and resent those around you. You grow bitter about perceived slights and build walls between you and your family. A martyr’s complex is nothing more than a shortcut to loneliness.

Remember who you are, and Whose you are.

Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, ⁵ for each one should carry their own load.

Galatians 6:4-5

Today, give yourself a break. Kick that ice cube under the fridge, forget to wear deodorant but do wear the Target yoga pants with the hole in the bum and smile when you run into your nemesis at the grocery store – not based on a true story – ahem, and be yourself. You are enough.

https://youtu.be/ZVA-Bx4rNc0

God, forgive me for being so caught up in what others think of me that I forget to focus on what You think of me. Remind me, even on my worst days when I feel like going back to bed and pulling the covers over my head, that You see every tear I shed, hear every frustrated sigh, and know my heart. Thank you for putting people in my life who want to help me and want to see me succeed. Help me to be humble enough to accept help but never forget that I am a daughter of the King. Amen.