Wait, what just happened?

So I took a little break from posting, just in case you couldn’t tell.

Frankly, 2019 was quite the year – I know 2020 has been quite the shirt show (thanks Good Place) – but for me, 2019 started with a “WAIT, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?” moment and ended with a resounding, “Well that sucked.”

In January, the senior pastor of our church retired without a lot of notice. For many reasons I won’t go into here, those first months of 2019 were awful. Keep reading – I’m not blaming him, so don’t stop here and tell everyone I roasted a man for whom I continue to have tremendous respect and love both him and his family. My family had been privileged to serve alongside him and his family for 20 years. He and Karen protected my children from the barbs and judgment that come from being a pastor’s kid and they had a tremendous impact on my parenting, demonstrating unconditional love, and the importance of keeping family first. They have been precious to my family for over 20 years – that hasn’t changed.

In late summer, my sweet friend Sunny – who had battled brain cancer for several years -discovered the cancer was back for good. She began a slow decline that picked up its wicked pace in the last weeks of 2019 until she finally went Home on December 31.

I stopped posting to this blog in October when things picked up with Sunny, and it became clear she wasn’t going to win this round. Her battle was visceral, raw, and real for those of us who were privileged to walk with her. Through it, and her death, I discovered a kind of grief I’ve never known. I’ll unpack all that in another post, but I will say that I had to stop typing this paragraph to cry for a minute. That’s new too.

I kept writing, but those words are all tucked in my journals and deleted blog posts – I’d like to think of myself as an open book, but those words are too raw and personal to share.

Can I be honest? Those two events were part of a season that forced me to unpack feelings and attitudes I have successfully compartmentalized for years thank you very much. It was also a year where once again, I was brought face to face with whether I really believe what I say I believe about God and who He is or whether or not I’m just really good at reading the script a pastor’s wife is supposed to follow.

Spoiler alert. I didn’t like any of that.

Before I go further, I will say that smack in the middle of 2019 was something beautiful and precious – my daughter Sarah married the perfect man for her. Sarah has always been the girl that lit up the room, a big personality with big gifts and enviable confidence, so in my mind, I expected her to marry someone quiet, maybe a little reserved, someone who was content to hang back and watch her shine. I could not have been more wrong. Nikko matches her gift for gift, and instead of her shining alone, they shine together. They’re the human equivalent of a glitter bomb. Never mind – that’s a terrible analogy – everyone hates glitter bombs. They’re perfect for each other and proof that when you leave things in God’s hands, trusting the process, He comes through in ways far beyond your hopes and dreams.

ANYWAY, let’s get back to me. Wait, was that out loud?

That little (fake) Freudian slip is actually at the heart of what motivated me to stop journaling and start blogging again. Frickin’ 2019 actually taught me a lot. Like a lot a lot. Some of it was stuff I already knew about myself, and some was new but equally valuable – even if it was uncomfortable.

Mostly, I was reminded that if you allow Him, God will show up for you in ways you’ve never needed Him to before.

So, stick around if you want. Pour yourself a coffee, make a cuppa tea, uncork that not-really-fancy-but-good-enough-for-this-nonsense wine and pour a glass, or settle down with a nice tepid tap water – whatever blows your hair back.

Welcome back to my mess. I missed you.